BLOG NO 61
Before plunging into, probably, a 2-part blog I would like to offer two unrelated quotes, IMO well worth repeating: The first addresses a very wrong reason given by some of those less than three-percenters who decide on a transition with complete surgery procedures included. The premise is that they will all become that female of their dreams —- we know that very few genetic females ever attain that goal. Written by KJ it is very poignant as too many, after emotional and financial sacrifices to the extreme never heeded this advice: “Transitioning must never happen out of self-deception but be grounded in the reality of how you experience yourself. It must be a truth-based relationship you have with yourself with no room for fantasy or delusion or you will destroy yourself.” The high suicide rate associated with the transition process underscores the above comments.
The second quote sums up the observations by Rogina who was assured that his orientation at age five was not wrong (Assured by mother.) and now has taken the political stage, albeit still locally, to spread understanding to others less fortunate in the family support department. This is his/her listing of the reactions encountered at one time or another by not only CDs but by all members of the LGBT community from wives, GFs, relatives, friends, co-workers and employers:
“Despise, Tolerance, Acceptance, and Inclusion” (The tolerance and acceptance is the blurry line).” Julie G here with two suggested refinements: First, we often hear of “supportive” as a good place to be in. IMO supportive comes before complete acceptance kicks in. Secondly, I believe there is a hard to discern (in others) level called, “deliberate ignore” for those who can’t wrap their heads around any concept, or cope with, beyond their limited thinking abilities. Think too that usually this “ignore” level is the very first one on the premise that more people become aware of that strange person in that other seat but haven’t learned enough about them as yet to despise them.
Now back to the subject of this blog:
In May of 2014 at a Santa Barbara college a young man in his early 20s killed 6 because he blamed the entire female population on him still being a virgin. I will never know whether the causation was the same but I liked to call myself a late bloomer — scared to touch girls much less kiss them until the 12th grade. For reasons I will recount and likely stemming from my early-on involvement in cross dressing I’m curious as to how many cross dressers had similar experiences as I, and could there be a correlation to our inclinations? First, my own experience:
In grammar and high school I was neither physically nor mentally an achiever — more of an introvert with little attraction found by the girls. When I did date a corset stolen from my mother’s drawers restrained my impulses to perhaps a goodnight kiss. I called it my “iron maiden” — wore it roller skating and on dates. I compared it to the Middle Ages torture devise in that I believed it restricted or restrained my emotions and made sexual advances, at least for me, out of the question.
Then came the war and that imprint was obviously still with me. Offered an English farmer’s daughters to show his gratitude to me and a fellow airman I quickly opted out to the consternation of my buddy. I did pick up an Alabama gal when rained out of our home base only to let her sleep off a “bad period” in a hotel room — too scared to do otherwise. And so it went until at 21 a much older woman in a college boarding house took away the virginity of a willing pupil.
Looking back to all those years I certainly didn’t put the onus on all the females in the world but rather on a deep seated desire to cross dress. So my question is: Have other CDs remained virgins until their 20s and do any blame their circumstances on others?
Note: Have taken the liberty to condense responses and yet try to avoid reducing their diversity. It will become obvious to the reader that although some 80% are heterosexual the answers by a few have been influenced by the cards they were dealt, unknowingly, at birth. In other words some 20%, the gay and bi-sexual, will usually have different recollections than the others — makes for a more interesting take on this subject even though not providing the answers we are seeking..
While I most certainly did have a typical interest in girls and very much wanted a relationship, I’ve always had way too much respect for women to ever make a move. When I did have a great thing going at one point in high school, I actually threw it away while trying to impress my peers and looking forward to the ridiculous promise of being a stereotypical college frat boy, something I realized later I never really wanted. I actually turned down every single opportunity that came my way in college for those same reasons of respect, morality, and fear of possible consequences no matter how drunk I got.
I did have a similar experience growing up.
Lots of physical intimacy from 15 to 20, but no actual “intercourse”.
I believe that our “rather unique inclinations” are a blessing.
I remember telling my parents before I was 5 years old that I wanted to be a girl. All the years growing up, I would get caught wearing my mom’s or sisters clothes and got punished for it. I was told it was just a phase and I would grow out of it. During my teen years, I was very attracted to girls, but I think now it was more envy than lust. I was very shy and awkward, was bullied a bit at times, not very athletic, not a standout in class at all. The yearning to wear girl clothes varied over the years, but never went away. I was 18 when I first had sex and married that girl a short time later and only for a short time, lol. An accepting gf about 10 yrs.= ago supported my dressing, but that also opened the door to attraction of guys. I started realizing that I wanted to experience a man and that secret led to that breakup. I have dressed more and more over the last few years at home, and about 2 years ago, finally met up with another cd and the rest is history. I know now how to be truly happy even though I can’t be full time yet. Had I been more persistent as a child, and my parents more understanding, I may have been able to be me 30 years ago. It is what it is. Girls were not the reason I was a bit of a late bloomer. That was all on me.
I lost my virginity to my most recent ex-girlfriend, and I was aged 27. I had many opportunities throughout my life starting at the age of 19 but nothing eventuated because I was always too shy or nervous. I wonder today if it had to do with my sexuality or rather personal issues but I think it’s both. I just thought that life was supposed to be “like that”, where a guy gets together with a girl and something magical happens. And when it finally happened for me, although it was exciting, I thought it was more of luxury than a necessity. A recent study published (read it from BBC) showed that virgins are more unlikely to have intercourse the longer they put it off. Perhaps I put it off too long that I don’t feel the need to do it anymore? I don’t know.
One thing is for sure, I certainly feel sexiest when I’m feeling feminine but would ironically never allow myself to be with a man/woman under those circumstances. CDing to me is very intimate, much more intimate than sex. In other words, I’d have to feel very very safe with a person before I can let them see me dressed. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to feel as such with any of my ex-GFs.
I am a Vietnam Era Veteran, I served in Germany from 1963 to 65 of a 3 year hitch. Late 1940’s I was 4-5 years old. We lived, as a preschooler, down a dirt road and actually it was a “holler”, you yell at the mountain and it yells back, LOL. We were the last house down this road surrounded by a huge apple orchard, 1,000’s of acres of apples. Few neighbors, dad was a drunk, but mom split from him when I was 9. But before that my sister apparently wanted a sister to play with being 16 months older than I and she would dress me in one of her sun dress’s and petticoats and pantie. We would play house, cut out paper dolls, collaring books, hop scotch, jump rope and dolls. Oh I had my own boy toys but would rather play with her and her things and her girlfriends. Learned to dance at a young age and much envied and chastised by other boys in grammar and high school when attending school dances, they were “wall flowers” I was on the dance floor. I had a paper route when I was about 12 until about 14, I would come home from school and change my clothes, but would wear my mom’s garter belt and nylon stockings and a pair of her silky panties when I delivered newspapers on my route, the excitement of getting caught aroused me in a peculiar way, I suppose. At 14 I fully dressed in mom’s clothes I didn’t know why I had those, “I am different than other boys of my age feelings or thoughts, sort of like the round peg in the square hole”, until at 14 years old. I dressed fully in mom’s lingerie and dress and put on some makeup and her jewelry and perfume and probably the last time I could fit into her hi heel shoes. I saw myself in the mirror and realized I should have been born a girl, that was the feeling I had inside me all those years, I was free from the bondage of the first 14 years of my life, I remember turning on my sisters 45 record player and dancing to the latest Elvis hit “Jailhouse Rock”, I danced through the house ever so free from the bondage I felt for the first 14 years of my life. I wanted to stay dressed like that until my mom came home, the excitement of getting caught and punished by her making me wear girly clothes and shoes and the fear of getting caught and beaten, the first of many wars and revolutions that occurred in my being. Needless to say I undressed and never said a word to her about it for the next 20 years or so. My desire of wanting to be a girl, it never came to be so true especially when I started High School. My dad would have liked me to play football, but the only spikes and padding I was interested in were spiked hi heel shoes and the padding in the shoulders of my mom’s silky blouses and dresses. That day at 14 “all dressed up” changed my life forever.
In my grammar school years I envied my sister especially when mom took us shopping for school clothes. I marveled at the pretty girls dresses, petticoats, skirts, panties and shoes with the bows or flowers and the pretty patent leather so shiny, boys only wore tie shoes and came in 3 colors, brown, black, oxblood, that or black and white converse canvass sneakers, yuk. Even a shoe salesman once was shocked when he measured my feet, he said “he has feet shaped like a girls”. My sister was envious of my natural wavy hair and my legs and soft skin. Even in the Army I was walking back to our bivouac area from a debriefing as a noncommissioned officer (sergeant E5) after a war game of training from battalion headquarters. I lurked behind visiting the latrine. A voice behind hollered a name and since I was the only one in the immediate area I turned and said “wrong guy” he said to me “I thought you were sergeant so and so, he walks with a wiggle like a girl too”, I just turned and smiled and kept on walking, you just can’t hide it sometimes, what comes natural. Blame anybody for my being a cd/tv, na, I knew at that very young age of 4 to 5 something was different.
My first hetero sexual experience with a girl, a lady, I was 22 years old, and just out of the Army. My first gay experience I was 24 and it was with another TV. I have had 3 such experiences only with “girls” of the transgender community and all were from my days while visiting NYC and Greenwich Village. I am not attracted to the manly athletic type hetero male and in fact attracted more to GG women, married 2 times in my life, both ex wives have passed on, and only 6 weeks apart last fall. My first wife and I had 3 beautiful children and I was entirely in their lives while they were growing up, I even remained a volunteer in our community serving on our First Aid Squad for over 25 years and as Captain and Chief Instructor for many of those years. My children have produced 6 beautiful grandchildren one of which is now in college on a football scholarship he won while in HS, he was a star point kicker kicking his longest field goal of 54 yds, I am so proud of him and my dad would have loved him.
Let’s continue this subject on Blog 62 as this one is getting full. Don’t get discouraged because so many of the early respondents are bi-sexual (which distracts from the topic) — forthcoming replies in Blog 62 are likely to have more commonality in early experiences.
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