MYTHS, FALLACIES AND MOST THERAPISTS WITHOUT A CLUE

31adj  Post No. 50

Note: This particular post does not pertain to those who use cross dressing as one vehicle in their path to partial or full transition to womanhood.

The reader has already noted that the majority of cross dressers will either wear one article of feminine lingerie, usually panties, or the same amount of undergarments normally worn by a woman when going to their workplace. The exception might be to wear drab when visiting medical offices or to the gym; however a few are not shy allowing their doctors and nurses to view their attire. These underdressers include  the entire spectrum of the CD community from airline captains, police sergeants, attorneys, truck drivers, carpenters to every other conceivable type of occupation — estimates range from four to eight million males in the U. S. alone that indulge in this harmless practice.

In the privacy of their homes it is usual for these same underdressers to shed their male garb for female garments. When time permits many, but not all, will add makeup, wigs and whatever is required to change their persona to female. Others are content with limited clothing and nothing else.  For those with wives, family members or girlfriends there are often a wide range of limitations or “compromises” imposed depending upon the degree of acceptance and support — a subject already covered. From this large number of underdressers probably more than half seriously contemplated that some day they will have perfected their skills to the point of venturing out into the public arena and subjecting themselves to scrutiny of others — however, thus far, the preponderance of information indicates that more than 50% will never go out fully dressed.  We will now examine the “Why not?”.

There are over five million members of just two organizations, Focus on the Family and the American Family Association whose views on pro-life and the LGBT communities that includes the transgendered are well known. Add to those numbers the religious and political persuasions that are equally against any so-called gender deviance and wherever the preponderance of people with this mindset live, work and pray becomes dangerous places — dangerous to life and limb, holding a job or even in the pursuit of sports and hobbies that they and their families enjoy. Sadly, Southern and Midwestern states still retain more than an average share of these misnamed “conservatives”. This writer has read a number of stories related by CDs, who can hardly be called “passable”, of positive experiences in the very heart of such areas but it’s risky at best. Then there are occupations and types of work historically considered “mano”. Examples include the sports of race cars and horse racing that only recently have seen female participants but still remain 99% of the male gender. With female college graduates now outnumbering males inroads have been made in architecture, engineering, aeronautics and the like but, nevertheless, more than 90% of construction crews, builders, and airline pilots are male. Sure, these same men might underdress but coming out en femme in these work places is another matter. Actually, the writer knows an underdressing  miner and the owner of a successful engineering company who is not transsexual but runs her business fully dressed without a problem as does a “large animal” veterinarian. In 2014 a transsexual police sergeant in an Arizona town completed her transition publicly with little incident but it would be a real challenge for a hetero CD to report to their station house en femme. Okay, we understand why CDs are reluctant to “out” where they work except perhaps for Halloween if then, and socially there are obstacles to face in narrow-minded communities.

In this same chapter in the Second Edition I misspoke, was misleading when I wrote “the majority will forever remain in the closet for they don’t have the boldness to be seen in public places”. While boldness may be a factor for some, many others consider other factors  like motivation and weighing the possible down-side versus the rewards. There are those who really are content expressing their inclinations solely within their homes or with a loved one — will never feel that they have “missed something” by never leaving their threshold. Then there is a group whose desire to dress has been with them since childhood and practice it from time to time without an overwhelming need to do dress more fully. Weighing their negligible “urges” against marital vows, happiness of family, their more than adequate income and an active social life — they are happy without a tinge of regret. Try as one might to persuade them that they really aren’t happy is misguided. Sure, there are a much larger number of CDs living within boundaries, compromises or whatever where the restrictions are not of their doing; the SO definitely is happy but they are decidedly not. We have previously talked about their unhealthy bondage. Now back to other reasons hindering or completely stopping other CDs from going out en femme.

jh .

MYTHS, FALLACIES AND MOST THERAPISTS WITHOUT A CLUE

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Post No. 49

  The path from childhood to becoming an adult cross dresser has many branches, many motivations and practiced in a variety of ways. As previously mentioned there are those that as children knew that “something was wrong”, that their interests were similar to their female relatives or friends. Often parents would pick up on these inclinations and, if willing and financially able, brought in medical diagnosis that found that chromosome or mental wiring variances called for medications to halt the progress of puberty and made transition so much easier — but these children are the lucky ones. Most children with such — call them “abnormalities” for lack of a more accurate description —- have to find their own tormented way until they are capable of understanding why they don’t fit in with others. This group makes up only a small portion of those that cross dress. Cross dressing is an external expression and just one manifestation of their desire for femininity. Too often an onlooker equates all CDs as internally female; instead most CDs do not have such feelings or motivations —they are just as comfortable in a male role of husband, father and bread earner as they are with their female persona. Slowly getting to the point: for most the desire to look as much like a woman as possible does not mean they wish to become a woman. In fact, in the broad spectrum of cross dressing there are a small number who only care to wear female clothes for the soft and comfortable feelings encountered — they still might retain beards and body hair. To many other CDs such partial dressing brings consternation as it only confuses the onlooker’s perception of what is a cross dresser. Then there are others who might cross dress with only a few items of female attire for an entire lifetime — they are one version of the fetish CD who CD purely for sexual arousal. Encountered one recently who collected women’s watches — that was the their only need for arousal. When married this practice may continue into the bedroom and seldom objected to by the partner — if it helps their sex lives why not? This writer would not hesitate to state that the the majority of those who are content to be in the male role for much of the lives still wish to assume their female persona by learning to present as close in appearance to a woman as possible with makeup, wigs and all the corsetry  needed to attain feminine curves. Though many would love to reach a point in their presentation where they could “pass” to the casual observer, nevertheless for these heterosexuality will always remain the norm. To widen the spectrum of diversity — along with the desire to “pass” it is not unusual for a few to feel that striving to act feminine includes being courted and romanced by a male — getting close to the ultimate act of becoming female. If such feelings remain only a fantasy while dressed most professionals would not call them “bi-curious or even bi-sexual — no more so than a female fantasizing that they are in bed with another female would label them as “lesbian”.

   For the sake of clarity we have not been describing homosexuals for they have been dealt those cards before birth and have no choice in the matter though it may take years before they realize and finally accept their sexuality and/or true gender. Before realizing, or diagnosed by a therapist,  that they are gay these males may be attracted to CDing as a means to attract the male gender and later find their true identity. Some will remain in the “bi” segment all their lives and be very happy with this expanded orientation, that is, accepting their responsibilities as a husband and father, dress whenever possible and have the occasional liaison with a male — provided it is acceptable to their wives. Yes, it does seem to work for a few.

   A spouse or GF first encountering their partner’s CD activity, either by “discovering” or by a confession (Outing one’s self to a loved one as early as possible saves a lot of grief though not always acceptance.) results in a multitude of responses. For probably 50% or more the immediate reaction is that “He is no way the man I had married” or courted and no amount of explaining will make it satisfactory. The man may quickly explain that he is the same person — hadn’t changed anything but, on occasion, the type of clothes he wore, still loved her, and their children, as much as before; have no desire to eventually transition to a female body; are turned off by the thought of intimacy with another male and no they can’t drop this desire — it will return no matter how hard they try. Despite such statements the woman is very firm in their own beliefs and the union is completely broken. These “rejecting” women have a great diversity of reasons for their rejection  so let’s explore some. The fact that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce is a strong factor as this revelation merely creates an excuse to end a marriage already on the brink of dissolution — CDing wasn’t even a factor though they may not acknowledge that it had no bearing on the dissolution. For the rest, reasons include that their parental conservative and/or religious upbringing is too strong to break, fear of disclosure to relatives and friends (Often found to be all or part unfounded.); and internal insecurity. Why is insecurity often an important reason? Just as the male is essentially, part female chromosome-wise it also applies to the genetic female.  Aside from the usual curiosity of boys and girls to “play house” or “play doctor” in order to explore the physical parts of their opposite gender playmate, it is also quite common for girls to hold hands, groom each other and other actions not usually found among the boys . By teenagers most will turn their sexual interests towards the opposite sex but not all. The so-called lesbian relationship may even become stronger or become latent. With the CD’s revelation comes the fear for some females that their latent lesbian desires might become too strong and that they too would be outed — hence their reason for a negative reaction. Of course the feelings of insecurity could have started long before marriage and sexuality was not a factor, instead it was brought on by parent disdain, unhappy with their physical appearance or abilities, actions of their peers and so on. The revelations by their spouses only exacberated those feelings.

   An enigma voiced by some CDs follows a story similar to this: In early stages of courting, or even marriage, the male makes a full revelation of their life-long inclinations. Their SO demonstrates their full support by buying matching peignoir sets and even suggests nylons and a garter belt — all for bedroom play. They become just as sexually aroused as their mates. They think “Hey, if this is what it takes to have a very active sex life — it’s fine with me.” On their part the CD’s initial interpretation is that “I have a wonderful partner who supports me and my desires.” They see no reason not to show what female lingerie and clothing they may have already purchased or they may buy a larger wardrobe — the “Pink Fog” kicks in with no barriers in sight. The gal teaches her hubby how to apply makeup, what looks best fashion-wise and how to walk/talk like a female. The man then buys a wig to complete his presentation. Then, what appears as a sudden reversal — his partner doesn’t want any further participation — she becomes cold to him sexually and to his very being! She wants out! To the CD his world just came crashing down, his life is in ruins. What happened? For most they will never know nor are they certain how much to reveal in a future relationship. Providing a true story to better illustrate what has happened though it may appear as exaggerated (It’s not.): The husband is six feet four inches and weighs 230 pounds. He manages a construction company, is the coach of his son’s Little League team, mentors one of his wife’s friends in furthering her career and to the community he is “mano-mano”. In reality it is a facade, a role being played — for most in this situation just being allowed to show their feminine side, albeit in private, would make them happier, while for a much smaller segment transition must be the only possible conclusion. The reader can readily understand that the wife’s often violent rejection was by the dawning realization that this man to whom they had been so attracted to doesn’t exist. The revealing CD sincerely believes he hasn’t changed but those who have been close to him for years see him quite differently. These explanations for the about-face is true for most but not for all. In the early stages of the romance, with hormones raging on both sides, this kinky side of their mate is a fun thing not only in the bedroom but this feminine side of greater caring, empathy, attention and sharing is enthusiastically accepted, and misinterpreted, as a wonderful part of their partner that they never knew existed previously. Then came the realization, and fear, that their husband or BF is heading down a road out of their control — where is this going? Sex, sure but it appears that he has gone way beyond that part of his personality and his dressing activities seem motivated by a need to feel feminine — it’s not merely a fun fetish but so much more they didn’t see coming — can’t handle it, not what I wanted for our future relationship! Such a negative reaction is only one result — other responses might include the well known DADT (Don’t Ask Don’t Tell) relationship. Possibly for the rest of their married lives the wife doesn’t want to see him dressed or know any more on the subject. One may say for some it’s a satisfactory arrangement. Then there are couples where, over years the spouse softens her stance and acknowledges their hubby doesn’t appear happy. A compromise” accommodation results. Boundaries are set such as: you can’t go out dressed, the children and our families must not know, you can’t shave all of your body, no wigs to complete the illusion and so on. Such boundaries work as long as they are arrived at mutually as otherwise it is not a compromise and it’s all downhill from there. Usually such boundaries become less and less restrictive over the years. Limiting this part of the discussion to purely heterosexual CDs we find a percentage where full support becomes a happy lifestyle for both partners. Usually if there are children they also become privy to the “secret” and accept their father as sometimes being their “other mom”. Children seem to accept different life-styles a lot faster than the previous generation. Nothing has been found by this writer to indicate that their father’s inclinations affect them after they become adults other than being more open minded with their peers. In summary, revelation of a CD’s propensities result in a wide range of reactions from full support to complete rejection and all the shades in between and any advice to the male is pure speculation at best. We will later cover what we have only hinted at: Is it better to “reveal” before relations become serious, after being married or never? That topic actually has no one right answer.