MYTHS, FALLACIES AND MOST THERAPISTS WITHOUT A CLUE

154600Post No. 41

   In the next to last post, number 39, we discussed the subject of “fetishes” and now we will further explore the arousal factor. Most often arousal by any means becomes less and less the major impetus as the cross dresser becomes assimilated into society through working, playing and leading “normal” lives along with the rest of the populace. Actually, in time, sex plays only a minor role — the same percentage as in the general population when waning libido goes hand in hand with advancing age — naturally for some faster than for others. The words “disorder” or “not normal” doesn’t apply at any age in the context of arousal.

   Some readers, as do many CDs, will be confused by the above. They will ask, “If sexual stimulation becomes a minor or no factor in dressing, then why do it?” One of the many answers aside from the oft mentioned feelings of tranquility, harmony and the like, might be: “When younger I just liked the feel and restriction of the light silky materials and I was, to a more or less degree, aroused. But, as time went by and I became more familiar with fashions and style, then my “look” became just or more important to me.”

MYTHS,FALLACIES AND MOST THERAPISTS WITHOUT A CLUE

154600Post No.40

                                             IMPORTANT CAVEAT

   I must speedily apologize to those cross dressers and their families and friends who have read the back cover of “Never Climbed His Mountain”, or by media announcements,  and were upset that I appeared to imply that all CDs are, or have to be heterosexual. That was neither my intention nor desire! By no means is it “they” versus “us”. While the majority, perhaps 80%, are hetero there are many who, for reasons described, came into this world with a genetic or chromosome unbalance, or the mental wiring that destined them to be bi-sexual or homosexual. Initially, knowing they seemed to be in some manner different from their playmates, the attraction of cross-dressing became a temporary compromise or outlet in expressing femininity until their gender dysphoria could be better defined.

   Please understand that during most of my life while wrestling with my inclinations, or demons as I thought for too long, from pre-puberty to recent years, I had no personal exposure to gay and bi-sexual CDs that I was aware of, other than what little I had read.Then I came to realize that the CD community does include many persons burdened with other variations of gender dysphoria, but with my limited knowledge I pondered how could that be? Being homosexual seems to fly against the usual understanding that since they are, without doubt, solely attracted to their own gender —  why would they wear the clothes of the opposite?

   Several factors — each separate in derivation — affect the final outcome. There are those children alluded to above who, knowingly or not, were role playing their birth apparent gender due to parental, peer and often religious pressure. Occasionally the mother would pick up vibrations of distress far more quickly than a father who is likely to be homophoebic. For those fortunate youngsters mothers, sisters and even grandmothers have encouraged  the child by providing covert support until they are old enough to be enabled to seek ways to fully, or partially, transition to their true gender  Personally I don’t understand how it’s possible but more than a few claim that they were only slightly aware of having a gender identity disorder until in mid-life, with wife, family and established in community and business life, they recognized that those feelings that must have been internalized all these years must be faced — that they will never be true to themselves until they are able to accept their correct identity. Needless to say that such disclosures have a much greater impact on everyone involved than if said event occurred at a much earlier age. Others, realizing their dysphoria early on, never do attempt marriage because their struggle for identity is difficult enough to not want to cope with the normal compromises required of that institution. It should now become apparent to the reader that those born as bisexual or homosexual may be cross-dressers in the early stages of their journey  but is not the end-all objective as opposed to the heterosexual CD’s goals. To clarify: Once a person transitions to the female gender, i.e., becomes a transsexual through feminizing by medical intervention, they will become legally female and certainly may be wearing the clothes of that gender — they are, obviously, no longer cross dressing.

   Let’s further explore the non-heterosexual CD community.While some will transition over approximately one and a half years (or longer) through hormone therapy and surgery to legally be identified as the opposite gender, a greater number strive to “have the best of both worlds” by retaining their genitalia. Often some members of this group will still wish for, and can afford to, attain manifestations of their feminine side through breast augmentation, facial and even vocal surgery, or they may continue to take hormones to try to feminize their bodies. Hormones may or may not cause breast enlargement, softer skin and a more rounded figure — depending on the individual’s physical responses. Going, so to speak, half way has less impact on marriage,and in the work place. They will cross dress only at home or “out” to family, friends and in the business world. Nevertheless, they might be able to maintain their male role, sexually, to wives or girlfriends provided hormone therapy was not applied. If it has then there is no turning back other than becoming a lesbian partner to their spouse. Only the rare, loving spouse will tolerate that arrangement.

   The next not-heterosexual group discussed also began to cross dress at an early age, or didn’t do so until until later in life for the very same reasons as those individuals we just described. However, the scenario has an added ingredient — they have had sexual experiences with their own sex in their teens or later in life. Reasons given are usually because of early curiosity and/or “experimenting”. A school of thought deems a one time youthful encounter as a “pass” as long as the CD felt afterwards that it was a bad experience and sincerely rejects any further exploring. There are those with or without wives and grown children who realize that they are attracted to their same gender in mid-life or later.They too will take the road to partial or full transition except now one or more male “lovers” enter the equation. The loving wife who had been supportive or just tolerated their husband’s CD desires as it had made him more empathetic, less-aggressive and other benefits mentioned elsewhere, now is faced with a component that tests the very best of marriages. Yes, there are wives that accept this duality of their spouses as long as they feel that love and allegiance is not diminished towards them. These wives are the exception when faced with a husband who admits that other males are as attractive sexually as their mates.In the short term such marital compromises often work but long term data, say twenty years later, is not yet available

    Before leaving this subject it is incumbent  on this writer to bring up “Fantasizing”. It is very common during sexual intimacy that one or both are conjuring up past experiences and/or partners or often imaginary situations that helps in arousal. Perfectly fine. It’s also not unusual that both genders during their lifetimes fantasize having sex with a member of the same gender. As long as these fantasies are not acted upon (become a reality) then the gender label (a nasty word to some) does not change. Understandably there are CDs who have decided, at whatever age, that they have to be true to themselves and accepted the fact that they are bi-sexual. Consequently they do act upon their fantasies and must then enter another world where spouses, children, relatives, friends and the workplace are usually impacted to some degree. Not an easy decision but often the only one possible. However, like making the decision to change gender, it’s not the end of the world and often a happy conclusion is, eventually, the result.

   In summary, while this writer firmly believes that the majority of male cross dressers are heterosexual for their entire lives — this belief does not infer that this life style is the only way or the better way. The “trigger” theory helps explain how hetero CDs came to be, but not the “why”.. We do know from the most updated findings of the professional associations that the other variations of CDs described above were wired biologically or mentally before birth to eventually assume a gay or bi-sexual posture — environmental circumstances have no bearing on the outcome. I hope the apparent paradox — gay CDs — has been clarified a tad.